Jokes 2

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you.

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?" His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear"

Why don’t young girls fart??

Answer: They don’t get an asshole until they get married!!!

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.  He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse.

It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.  The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.  Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

That read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends.  We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing.

It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."
THE PERILS OF DUCT TAPE

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" asked Jeff.

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

50th ANNIVERSARY

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern, and you leaned against the fence and I made love you." "Yes," she says, I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around, and as she hangs on to the fence, the

old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Oh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is." As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric!"