Psychiatrist Says

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers  and their small children!

You all have obsessions," he observed.  To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.  Again, it manifests  itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol.  Like the others,  your obsession manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the  same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road. 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen!!!

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a  woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both  quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as  hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.  "What  can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"  responded the young man. "  6 shots?!?  Are you celebrating  something?"  "Yeah, my first blowjob."  "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."  "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get  rid of the taste, nothing will."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be  seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.  He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men  have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.  What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns  over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow  and I want to stay fresh."  The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.  A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.   This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed  there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome  the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's  wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this  tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."  "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired..." "No, Bill I mean,  what happened with the
pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has  been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left  breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man  goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside  as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She must have chocked."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.  Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth  and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The
crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his  trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.  The gator  closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer  bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again  and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.  After a while, a hand went up in the back of the  bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3  pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his  face and shaking him and asks the small white guy, "What's wrong?"  The  small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude  looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3  pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. ' "

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said  to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."  "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting  here naked as jay birds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down  at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."  "I  wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

A soldiers dilemma.................

An American G. I., serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and  was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war
weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"  The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.   You are such a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using  this seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the  dog.  Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.  Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything  else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the now empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and began  chastising the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,  "You know, sir, you Americans really do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.  And now again, sir, I see you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse.  Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.  Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.  "But how will I let you know when the  baby is born?" she asked.  He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write  'spaghetti' on the back.  I'll take care of all the child's expenses."  Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.  Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you  received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't  understand what it means."  The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I  will explain it to you."  Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.  Paramedics rushed him to the ER.  The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.  He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest.  The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

A man walks up to a woman in his office each  day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells  nice.   After a week of this she can't stand it any  longer!  The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she  wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The  supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."